Mastering Out --- Exit of Shame or Entrance to Success? Pt.I

Limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs are those narratives we form in our heads about why something can't be done, why we perpetuate a given cycle or pattern, why our desires are inaccessible, and why something's gotta be "hard".

Limiting beliefs were characteristic of much of my thought pattern until mid-summer 2020. Yes, the year of the ill-fated COVID-19 pandemic. 

Pandemic tragedy aside, this was probably one of the most pivotal years of my life. 

Something about being home for days on end unable to bury yourself in your work or distract yourself with a busy routine is very therapeutic.

In my case, I was given ample time to face what I had long buried.

I was on a career path that I wasn't extremely passionate about, that didn't make me excited to wake up every morning, and was filling my 20s with memories of white walls, stained lab clothes, and squirming mice that I sacrificed weekly.

Notice what I didn't say. I didn't say my PhD program was too hard, that my experiments never worked, that I didn't have a supportive group of friends and mentors, or even that I didn't have fun at times. The PhD in of itself was not the problem. My community in of itself was not the problem 

It all boiled down to this: I just didn't want to do it . There was somewhere else I'd rather be, and taking several years to become a research scientist just wasn't that place.

So why am I telling you this, bearing all on an internet full of strangers? 

The reason is, I think someone needs to hear these words. I know that at one point I definitely needed to.

Before the esteem from society, fame, accolades and external validation, make sure you want the thing.

And even more, it's ok not to want it.

Being a research scientist is an amazing feat.

Being an astronaut is an amazing feat.

Being a doctor is an amazing feat.

Being a NASCAR driver is an amazing feat.

But it's ok not to necessarily want those things and pursue other interests in life instead.

When I came to terms with this, it was as if a veil was lifted from over my eyes. There is a level of cleansing and peace that comes with this level of honesty. There is freedom in admitting you've been doing something for someone else but not yourself.

It wasn’t a sudden transition. It took a semester leave of absence, much praying and self-reflection to arrive at my decision. I had to root myself and be sure I was coming from a place of full authenticity.

I was able to exit my PhD program confidently and move to a new stage of life with renewed vigor.

So what does life look like now?

Am I where I would like to be?

Yeah, I am on the trajectory that I want. I have peace with myself and joy in the face of daily chaos. I have a career that challenges me, but also allows me to stay at home and work on my own schedule. I get to pour into my relationships and family with abundant love because I have been poured into with abundant love. And I still continue to dream and watch God fulfill them daily.

So going back to the original question in the title,

Is mastering out of a PhD program an exit of shame or an entrance to success?

I'll let you answer that.